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Ten things you can get from therapy

1. Better relationships

As you start to learn what makes you tick, what makes others tick, and what your triggers are, it becomes easier to connect with others and to build better relationships.

2. Increased confidence

A good run of therapy will leave you with more confidence, as you start to trust yourself more deeply.

3. More intuition

If you learn to tune into your own feelings more deeply, they can be a great source of information, and help with making good choices.

4. More energy

Depression and anxiety can use up lots of energy. Coming to terms with difficult events, or stopping worrying, frees up energy that can be put to better use.

5. New skills

Your therapist can help you with some techniques that can help you right in the moments when you are struggling.

6. Better sleep

Not only can a therapist help with ‘sleep hygiene’, the things that bring us to therapy tend to be the things that keep us awake at night: as we move through the therapy process, towards letting go acceptance and change, we can worry less, and sleep better.

7. More relaxation

As we let go of things we have been holding onto, both large and small, our bodies and minds will tend to be more relaxed. And as we let things go, we also learn how to keep letting go, which allows us to be more relaxed more of the time.

8. Your place in the world

Therapy sessions can help you discover what your passion is, and help you to take steps towards following that passion and making it work for you.

9. Ways of getting more done

Therapy can help you create good habits and maintain them; it can teach you that you can still get some things done regardless of your state of mind. Therapy can help you understand what keeps you stuck, and help you move away from that.

10. Therapeutic awareness

What you learn in therapy you can put to use in-between sessions, and after your therapy has finished. You can begin deal with your own thoughts and feelings in a better way. You can learn to let things go, and change what needs to be changed, either on your own or through finding and getting the support you need.

Turning away from anxiety and depression

Relationship by JD Hanckock

Relationship by JD Hanckock

We usually come to therapy because we are unhappy, or dissatisfied; because we want to change.

Often, what we want to change from is feeling anxious or depressed. Anxiety can be like a constant worrying, both in the mind and in the body, it can be a feeling of being on edge, of always being ready to fight or flee, of being hyper aware of what might go wrong at any moment. Depression is like a dark blanket that covers everything, feeling flat or numb, a loss of energy, not being able to think clearly, a lack of enthusiasm for life, and a deep sense of nothing being right.

How can therapy help any of this?

In my experience therapy works in two different ways, each of which support the other, and support the client to move in a positive direction.

We could say the first of these is conscious, and the second unconscious.

The conscious aspect is what we talk about the in the therapy.  We talk about things in order to make them clearer, and to understand the situation we find ourselves in. Through this process we begin to see where some of our unhelpful patterns of thought and behaviour have come from. Sometimes we pick up bad habits from others. Sometimes our bad habits are small acts of rebellion. Often they started out as ways of keeping ourselves safe in difficult circumstances.

A deeper understanding of these patterns means that we’re less likely to fall into them.

In this conscious aspect of therapy, we might even take away some ‘homework’: exercises to help us think and feel in new ways, anything from watching how our feelings change through the week, to keeping a gratitude list, to experimenting with new ways of behaving.

The unconscious aspect is to do with the relationship between the client and the therapist: the process of being in relationship and responding to one another. The job of the therapist is to remain steady, whatever happens, to keep an open mind, to move towards a position of feeling warmth towards the client.

As human beings we surround ourselves with people who support our view of our self and the world. If we are anxious or depressed, it’s almost as if those conditions want to continue, and they push us into places, and into relationships, that make that more likely. We isolate ourselves, or feel drawn towards people and situations that support our dysfunctional ways of thinking.

The therapist is a different kind of person. They stay open and warm towards the client, without getting drawn into to supporting these dysfunctional habits and ideas. This has a powerful effect on the client, who begins to feel less afraid of change, and of moving towards more positive ways of being.

As the client begins to trust the therapist, they also begin to trust themselves, and to trust in the possibility of being different in the world: of being happier.

We could say some of the good qualities of the therapist begin to rub off on the client.

Both of these aspects work together. As we begin to understand ourselves, and consciously practice new ways of being, our trust begins to grow.

As our trust grows, it becomes easier to understand ourselves, and to try out new ways of being in the world.

Both of these aspects work to help us move away from anxiety and depression, towards a positive way of being.

email kaspa@thebuddhsittherapist.comto book in a first session, via Skype or face to face.

Why do we come to therapy?

stone-buddhaWhy do we come and sit in a room, and talk to a stranger, and share our deepest thoughts and feelings?

My therapy room is at the end of a long narrow corridor. In the winter the corridor is light by bulbs hanging in Victorian glass lampshades. In the summer, light from the open doors of other rooms pools in.

In my room there’s a two seater sofa, and a bucket chair. The sofa is blue and white, and most of my clients sit here, but not all of them. Whenever I’m seeing a client, I light the fat church candle that sits in the closed off fireplace.

There is a stone Buddha, sitting on a small table between the sofa and the chair. It’s a peaceful room.

Someone arriving for a first session can be full of all sorts of feelings: anxiety about meeting someone new, a longing for things to be different, perhaps some nerves about starting to talk about how things are at the moment.

It’s a brave act, coming to see a therapist, and when I see clients for the first time, I remember this, and how it was for me to be a client, back when I was in therapy myself.

I listen, without making any value judgements. The act of being heard is a powerful one.

People come because they want to change. Change is possible, but often happens in surprising ways.

Sometimes we might set goals together, and come up with realistic steps to take us nearer to those goals, and sometimes the process of change happens through more subtle means.

My job as therapist is to be a steady presence, to be sympathetic to the troubles of the client, but not so caught up in them that I lose my own sense of balance.

As people we are influenced by the people that we hang out with, and the places that we go. We can see this all around us, as people dress to fit in with one group, or change their behaviour to fit in with another. This is a mostly sub-conscious process.

Being in relationship to my steady presence, just coming and hanging out in the peaceful space of the therapy room, is just as important, perhaps more so, than what gets talked about in the sessions.

This is how the process of change happens: by dipping ourselves into good conditions, into the therapy room, over and over again. Slowly we began to relax, and our old habits and ways of thinking become less powerful. We move towards acceptance, letting go, and change.

email kaspa@thebuddhsittherapist.comto book in a first session, via Skype or face to face.

The biggest frog (how to get things done)

Frog by Chris Luczkow

Frog by Chris Luczkow

I sat facing a blank page for about an hour this morning. Occasionally I wrote a few words and then I deleted them. They didn’t feel like the beginning of anything worthwhile.

I wrote about my oldest cat sleeping at my feet. I wrote about the squirrel stealing peanuts from the bird feeder. I wrote about the new seedlings we have just planted out. And then I deleted all of the words and there was the blank page.

I opened my favourite social media sites and closed them again. I browsed the news headlines. I looked out of the window. I looked at the blank page.

I thought a change of scene might help so I went and walked around the garden. It was cold and the sun was hiding behind grey clouds, and although I half-planned where new flower beds might be I didn’t think of anything to write about.

I came back inside and started to make a cup of tea. While I was waiting for the kettle to boil I remembered an old friend that I had been meaning to write to for a little while.

We used to be in regular contact but for reasons I don’t completely understand communication seemed to break down this year. We kept missing each other, arranging to meet and not quite managing it, and then we just stopped talking to each other…

For a while I thought I might hear something from them, and then I put it out of my mind and got on with all of the things I have to do: seeing clients, running a temple and running my mindfulness classes. Or at least I thought I had put it out of my mind, but every now and again I would find myself telling other friends about what had happened. Eventually I realised that I hadn’t really let this go at all and that’s when I decided to write to them.

That was sometime last week. I could have carved out time to write before today but the immediate demands on my time allowed me to keep distracting myself – until this morning when I was faced with a blank page.

I couldn’t get started on this article because something else, the un-written letter, was getting in the way.

Mark Twain said, “If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.”

The un-written letter, that I was nervous about writing, was the biggest frog and I kept pushing it to the side of my plate.

I brought my cup of tea back up to my office and wrote the letter. As I wrote it the worries I had around how it might be received disappeared. This friend and I have had a strong relationship in the past and I’m sure it will be received in a good spirit. I hope so at least.

Having swallowed the biggest frog I was able to sit down and write this article.

I’ve learnt this lesson many times before, but I still sometimes find a way of pushing the biggest frog to one side.

If there is something to be done – get on and do it. Putting it off can take just as much energy and can stop you from doing anything else.

What’s your biggest frog today?

This article also appeared in All About Malvern

Living with change

Photo by Nick Kenrick

Photo by Nick Kenrick

Written late spring/early summer

Suzuki Roshi was once asked if anything was constant in this life. He replied with one word: change.

A couple of weeks ago I watched a wave of hail moving from behind the hills, over the temple and through the valley. Directly above my office, directly above my writing desk, is the dining room balcony. Drum-rolls of hard ice falling onto the flat surface of the balcony roused me from my concentration.  I went upstairs to watch the weather.

A few days earlier it had felt like summer had arrived. The sunshine was bright, and the air was warm. It was a real change from the sun and cold wind of winter and spring days. The sun-rose in the garden started to flower. Each delicate, Barbie-pink, flower lasts for just one day.

On my day off, I was looking forward to a day in the heat. I sat in the garden eating breakfast, looking out over the copper-beech, with its orange-yellow blossom, and the plum tree just coming into leaf. Grey clouds drifted in, settling over the sky like a soft blanket. Still, I spent most of the day outside.

In the evening it started to rain. Noisy rain. The cats ran inside, mewing at us, complaining about the weather. I could hear the water from the roof flooding down the downspout and overwhelming the drains. It rained hard through the night. The following morning it eased a little. The rain drops were smaller and softer. More like mist than rain. The slate tiles of the coach house roof I can see from my office window were dark with the wet.

It’s tempting to complain about the rain, and praise the sunshine. But they are each beautiful in their own way. Someone was decorating our shrine room on those wet mornings. It wasn’t ideal conditions, the light was dim, and the paint took longer to dry, but the garden loved the rain. The potatoes plants doubled in size in a couple of days, and the cucumber seedling I planted out on my day off grew taller by an inch a day.

The summer colours were dulled a little by the mist, but still the deep pink magnolia flowers burst from the grey.

If we can just find the right place to stand, all weather is beautiful weather. And all weather changes. The same is true of our own lives.

There are large changes that a life goes through, and we might have some sense of what they are: of how the energy of a life shifts from childhood, through the teenager years to adulthood and old age. Having some sense of this can bring us a kind of solace, we can make peace with knowing that one thing changes into another.  But we shouldn’t hold on to tightly to this idea of cycles. Just like the weather there can be unexpected storms in the summer, or days of sunshine in the winter.

Thoughts, feelings, our physical health, all of these change over the years, and all of these change on a daily basis, and all of these change from moment to moment.

The simple act of knowing this can bring us to a calm centre point.

We can’t control man, if any, of these circumstances. But, like the weather, we can change how we look at them, and how we experience them.

In every circumstance there is something beautiful, and every circumstance is always beginning to change into something new.

email kaspa@thebuddhsittherapist.com to book in a first therapy session, via Skype or face to face.

This article first appeared in All About Malvern Hills

 

How accepting ‘what is’ leads to real change

Sun rays through the fog by Jean-Daniel Echenard

Sun rays through the fog by Jean-Daniel Echenard

Yesterday afternoon I was tired, and I was grumpy. I was upset with someone for not having behaved how I wanted them too, or how I thought I would have behaved in their situation. I worked over the situation in my mind. I was justifying my upset feelings to myself, but of course this just kept the frustration alive.

I watched the rain running down the window as I did the washing up after lunch. The view across the valley was obscured by a fine grey mist.

Somehow I managed to catch sight of what I was doing: I was resisting reality. I couldn’t change what had happened, and every time I went over events in my mind I was getting more upset. I was pitting what I wanted against what had actually taken place and, naturally, reality won out.

We create a huge amount of pain for ourselves by resisting reality. We’ll all have our own style of doing this, and different styles at different times. Perhaps we distract ourselves by opening a bottle of wine; or reaching for another chocolate; or ordering a new pair of shoes, or that latest collectable online. Perhaps we’ll try to push reality away, getting upset with other people, or inanimate objects. Often anger is an attempt to create distance between us and something unsettling. Perhaps we’ll simply try to pretend that what we don’t like isn’t there, and become exhausted or even depressed as it takes all of our energy to hold reality at bay.

When I was stood at the sink, as soon as I noticed what my mind had been doing my tiredness started to lift. I felt awake again. As I had started to accept reality the energy that I’d been putting into railing against it, or just ignoring it, was suddenly available for other uses.

Along with giving us some energy back, accepting what is means that we can then give ourselves options: the more we resist reality the less options we have.

With my hands in hot water, washing the dishes, I not only saw the choices my friend had made that had upset me, but also saw his reasons for making those choices. I was also able to see the version of reality that I was trying to protect, and that it was simply a misplaced expectation.

Once I had seen more of what was real I was able to sit down with my friend and talk over what had happened in a pretty relaxed way.

One common thing that affects how well we are able to accept reality is a confusion between things that are inside our control and things that are outside our control. I couldn’t change what had happened, or my friend, but I could change my response. Many situations that we struggle with are like this, and thinking clearly about what is and isn’t in our control can help us move towards acceptance and creating options.

There’s a simple exercise I use sometimes to help with this. I create three columns in my journal, the first for elements within my control, the second for elements I can influence, and the third for things completely outside my control. Then I fill in the blanks.

Anything that brings us closer to seeing what is really there is a good thing. The more clearly we can see, and accept what is in front of us, the more likely we are to be at ease with what is happening and to make a good response.

 

To book a therapy or mindfulness session, email: kaspa@thebuddhisttherapist.com

A version of this article appeared in All About Malvern Hills

Taking care of ourselves in a busy world

Autumn Colors by Paulo Valdivieso

Autumn Colors by Paulo Valdivieso

As autumn approaches we start to feel the first trace of autumn in the air. The nights draw in and the days slowly get cooler. Trees turn from bright summer greens into reds and yellows until the sides of the roads are lined with dried brown fallen leaves.

At the same time the natural world is drawing in on itself and growth is slowing there is a sudden burst of energy in other spheres of life. School is about to begin, new uniforms and stationary need to be bought and even those of us out of academic life feel the impulse to start something new or reinvigorate our working life, hearing the echo from childhood of our own first days at school. At the same time we begin to anticipate Christmas, complaining about the first adverts on television, wondering if we have to invite the whole family around for lunch on December the 25th and if our pockets are deep enough for everything on our loved one’s wish lists.

I sometimes feel there is a tension between these two impulses: on the one hand the quietening down and withdrawing of the natural world, which often seems to trigger some deep hibernation instinct in people, and on the other hand the excitement and pressure of new beginnings and the build-up to the holiday season.

Even in springtime when the days are lengthening and the whole world seems invigorated with life new starts can be difficult. They can bring us closer to our learning edges: intellectually as we learn new skills and emotionally as we are taken to (and sometimes beyond) the edge of our comfort zones.

How can we take care of ourselves in these situations? How can we make sure that we do not become overstretched and burnt-out, for ourselves and for others sake?

We need to pay attention to ourselves and to others. We need to look out for the clues that we are becoming too tired, or too challenged.

This kind of noticing is difficult in the midst of the business of new projects and of the frenzied world. The more we are caught up reacting moment to moment the harder it is to see ourselves and the situation we are in clearly. We thrash around like someone thrown into a pool of water stirring up silt, muddying what was clear and forgetting that we can stay afloat more easily by lying back and relaxing, than by splashing around making great waves.

It is important to make some space in our lives to be still, to allow ourselves to relax, to begin to soften the tension in our mind and bodies.

When we have found a moment of stillness or relative quiet we can then ask ourselves, “How am I doing? What’s happening in my life right now? Can I make any changes to make life easier, or better, or do I just need to sit and enjoy this moment of peace?”

Making these quite spaces is especially important as we go into busy times. It may feel selfish to take time for ourselves when the world is asking for so much of us, but these moments in which we can begin to relax and to pay close attention to ourselves and our lives will put us in a much better to position to take care of others, as much as they help us feel better in ourselves.

To book a therapy or mindfulness session, email: kaspa@thebuddhisttherapist.com

A version of this article appeared in All About Malvern Hills

How can we begin to grow?

How our relationship with our therapist leads to change

Most research that compares different types of therapy, to see which is more effective, reaches the same conclusion: the quality of the relationship between the client and the therapist is more important than the style of psychotherapy.

Putting yourself into a good relationship with a therapist is one of the most powerful ways to encourage change and growth.

Carl Rogers talked about three core conditions that enable personal growth. If the therapist can embody these qualities, he suggested, the client will naturally become more at ease, more satisfied with life, more able to take positive action. What are these three conditions?

Unconditional positive regard, empathy, and congruence.

No therapist embodies these perfectly, but the simple act of being in relationship with someone who is aiming to embody these, and mostly managing it, begins our process of transformation.

In my experience as a client, and as a therapist, as we begin to trust the therapist, and the space created in the therapy room, we begin to relax. This process of relaxation means that whatever we have been holding onto, or in denial about, begins to bubble up to the surface. This process is a natural unfolding. Often we experience all sorts of feelings during the process of letting go; sometimes this can even feel like grief. But in the safe environment of the therapy room, we move towards acceptance.

Professor Gisho Saiko took Rogers’ understanding of this growth-promoting relationship and added a new layer of meaning to it.

Gisho Saiko was a psychotherapist, and a Pureland Buddhist priest. He was an inspiration to my own teacher, also a psychotherapist and priest, and as I now have both of those roles, I feel some affinity with him and his ideas.

He suggested that there is some underlying existential truth, or reality, which supports the growth of each of us.

He wasn’t just talking about the space in the therapy room, but in our whole lives.

Saiko expressed this in Pureland Buddhist terms, but we could describe it as the understanding that each of us has access to some benign process that supports us and encourages us to grow.

Rogers used to use the image of a potato sending out shoots towards the light, as a metaphor for the innate potential for people to grow towards the light themselves.

Saiko encourages us to remember that the conditions for growth are present all the time.  However, there is some act of forgetting (or perhaps simply a ‘not-knowing’) which means we feel cast aside, and without hope.

So the therapist’s job is not so much to embody Rogers’ core conditions, but rather to simply remember, on behalf of the client, that the conditions for growth are already here.

In time, the therapists trust in this begins to rub off on the client. Initially the therapy room becomes the place that vulnerability, and letting go, and growth, is possible, but ultimately the client begins to understand that this movement towards the light is possible anywhere – inside or outside the therapy space.

Sometimes we forget again, of course, and then it’s helpful to have good friends, or a therapist, to remind us of this basic truth.

 

email kaspa@thebuddhsittherapist.com to book in a therapy session, via Skype or face to face.

Step one: Relax

The facts are always friendly, every bit of evidence one can acquire, in any area, leads one that much closer to what is true. ~ Carl R. Rogers


Early this morning I was sitting in the garden under grey skies, watching a couple of solitary bees buzzing to and from the bee box I had installed earlier in the year, and thinking about a conversation I’d had the night before.

A friend had been worrying about something in their own life and I was encouraging them to see the bigger picture. The more I tried to do this the more their worry increased; this was the exact opposite of what I’d intended.

In the quote above Carl Rogers encourages us to pay attention to all the evidence we can. It is this that will lead to understanding and acceptance, to moving on or to making changes. I thought that’s what I was encouraging my friend to do last night. I thought that I could see some of the facts that they were missing, but I was missing a more important fact: my friend’s anxiety.

We are not rational beings who can impassionately gather up the objective external clues and come to a neat conclusion. The facts we gather can produce emotional reactions as they remind us of something that happened long ago, or plug in to an irrational fear. When this happens we can feel derailed, and fact-collecting on its own is probably not enough to get us back on track.

It often seems to me that the central function of therapy is to support the client in relaxing – as simple as that. When we can relax, the change that needs to happen occurs of its own accord. When we are in a state of tension, it doesn’t matter how much we understand our stuckness – we still stay stuck. ~ Nick Totton

I should have listened to my friend’s anxiety last night, and given them some space to unwind and relax. They’re not stupid and they would have figured out the facts, the big picture, for themselves. In was also doing the same thing this morning as I reflected on our conversation.
I picked up a pair of secateurs and smiled to myself as I started to dead-head the sweet-peas. I had allowed myself to relax in the garden, and seen that I’d been unskillful in the conversation the night before. It was the combination of collecting evidence and of being relaxed that allowed me to come to the truth and to accept my own unskillful behaviour.

I wanted to rush my friend out of their anxiety for my own sake, and not for theirs. With clients this doesn’t really happen. We meet for an hour once a week and I’m happy for them to work at their own pace – but perhaps I need to keep an eye out for rushing my friends.

Book an initial session now: Email kaspa@thebuddhisttherapist.com to book a session, or call 07946 715 730 or 01684 572 444.

We are all made of stories

How we feel, how we act and who we are in each moment is affected by many different things: how we felt a second ago, what is happening in our bodies, and our immediate surroundings.

One of the most powerful things that affect us is the stories we tell about ourselves and the world, consciously and unconsciously.

Some of these stories can be helpful, but many of them get in the way of seeing the world and ourselves clearly. If we can’t see the world clearly, we can’t see new ways of moving forward or ways of being that will be more satisfying and bring us more happiness.

Whilst these stories will have served some purpose in the past, they often outlive their usefulness. It can sometimes feel like they take on a life of their own and want to stay alive even when we are ready to let them go.

Imagine a young woman called Kim. She has a story about her own worthlessness and everything she sees in the world supports that story. Where might such a story have come from? Perhaps her Father had his own story about being the best at everything and couldn’t stand other people to have value of their own. Kim’s story that she is worthless protected her from her Father’s anger when she was young.

Maybe at that time developing that story was the best way she could protect herself.  But now that Kim is an adult she doesn’t need that story any more, other people don’t need her to be worthless and as an adult she has other options for protecting herself from her Father’s anger.

The story has become so powerfully embedded in her psyche, it appears to be true. It lives on long after its usefulness and continues affecting her life. Because Kim believes she is worthless she struggles to receive praise, or take opportunities for success. She goes around in circles and isn’t able to move forward.

If she is able to see the story for what it is, just a story about the world, rather than an undeniable truth, she can begin the process of letting go and moving on.

Sometimes just to see and identify the story is enough, and sometimes we need to see the roots of the story to begin the letting go process. When Kim realises the story was created in response to her Father, the idea that the story is her seems less true, and letting go becomes easier.

Kim’s story was a big one, and it coloured her whole life. Many of us do have overarching stories like this and some of them serve us well. A story about being a parent might frame the whole of someone’s life in a helpful way… until their children start to grow up. It is when we cling to such stories beyond their usefulness, or see them as the whole truth, rather than one aspect of the truth, that we run into problems.

We are made up of smaller stories too. We prefer one brand of food over another, because that’s what we’ve always done, or because we have bought into the stories advertisers sell us, rather than making a choice based on what actually tastes better.

How we are in each moment is affected by the stories we carry. Some are running all of the time, like Kim’s story. Others are triggered by meeting particular things in the world, or in particular situations. Some stories just run at work, others at home. Sometimes when we go and visit our parents old stories appear, that we thought we had let go of completely, and we find ourselves behaving in old, unhelpful, ways.

Working with a therapist we can begin to notice our own stories. We begin to see what is affecting us in each moment and what beliefs are keeping us going around in circles. We can let go of old stories and adopt new, more helpful ones, or we can learn to live with the stories we have in more compassionate ways.

It can be difficult from inside the centre of the story to see what is true, and what the stories we carry tell us is true but isn’t really the case. Having another person to listen deeply and reflect with us on our situation can be immensely helpful in untangling reality from myth.

As this untangling begins we can start to make different, more fulfilling choices, and begin to live a more satisfied life.

 

Kaspa Thompson is a Psychotherapist and Buddhist Priest, and sees clients in person in Malvern, Worcestershire, and online via Skype: Book a therapy session now.